Coming together after a loss can be a confronting experience. For some, it will be an important time for healing and grieving, an opportunity to share thoughts and feelings. For others, it can be a stark reminder of what you have lost, and you may not be ready to face it.
Christmas and the holiday season can be a tumultuous time at the best of times, so mustering up the energy to be present and engaged with family after a loss can feel like an insurmountable task.
The first thing to take a hit when we’re grieving is our energy. So, it’s important ration it out wisely. This can mean we might need to think about some firm boundaries in the lead up to the holidays, to preserve what little reserves we have left. Consider your relationships with your friends and family, who might help restore and nurture your energy and where it might be depleted.
Spending time with loved ones can go both ways, it can exacerbate the feelings of loss and intensify the longing for the person that’s missing, or it can be an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. It is also completely okay to admit that you’re feeling anxious, worried, concerned, are filled with dread or just not looking forward to it at all.
If the idea of the fast-approaching holidays is feeling like an unwelcome burden, consider how you might be able to make it work for you. Are there ways you could include the memory of your loved one, by doing something special in their honour? Perhaps you could share stories and memories together, spend time at their favourite place, include their favourite dish or create new traditions that acknowledge the new normal in some way. Plan an exit strategy ahead of time, so that if it’s all becoming too much, you can practice some self-care and jet on out of there.
As with other emotional experiences, it’s important not to bury our feelings in grief. The deeper we hide them, the more clever they will become at popping up when you least expect it, often unleashing at an unsuspecting person who absolutely didn’t deserve it. (Speaking from experience here!) The way that we process grief, is by sitting in those horrible, painful, awful feelings and by talking about them, writing about them and finding a way to express them healthily.
Consider who you might be able to talk to about your grief, whether it’s a friend, family member or a professional. Having an impartial ear to share your experience with, can make a world of difference.
The holidays should be a time to celebrate our achievements and acknowledge how far we have come, with a sprinkling of cheer with the people we love. Following a loss or during a period of grieving, we may need to let go of our expectations and be prepared to roll with the tide. It might not be the perfect celebration or even much of a celebration at all, but with a little forward thinking and emotional preparation, it doesn’t need to be as overwhelming as it might feel now.
Ensure you have plenty of time for self-care, to reset and re-energise during and after the holidays, and remember to be kind to yourself if things don’t go exactly to plan.
Jana Firestone is a therapist, writer, podcaster, entrepreneur and mum of three. She recently released her first book called “Embracing Change”.
Helping kids process grief – MamaMag