Once upon a time, I was shy, really, really shy. As an immigrant, English is not my first language and I severely lacked confidence. In 2018, I had a new year’s resolution of having 100 lunches with 100 strangers to overcome my shyness. Since then my life has changed in every single way. From socially awkward and avoiding people to confidently mingling around networking events to hosting my own parties to help bring people together. I used to believe I was one of the ‘unlucky ones’ who weren’t born with the ‘social genes’. Then I realised being able to be social with confidence is a learned skill and we can all become better. Here are seven tips to be really confident in any social situation:
1. Preparation
Anxiety comes from the fear of the unknown, so one way to reduce the anxiety, is by reducing the unknown. Do some preparations before you go to the events, check out the venue prior, ask for the guest lists and do some research on them if you can. Most important of all, plan your questions and answers. In most social situations, people aren’t very creative in asking questions. The 3 most commonly asked questions are – ‘What do you do for work?’, ‘Where do you come from?’, ‘What brought you here today?’. Having these answers ready will help you start the conversations going.
2. Stories connect people
Another important thing you can prepare in advance is having 3-5 good stories ready to share. Ideally, one that happened recently and one that makes people smile. Don’t worry about sharing the same stories again because they are new audiences and have never heard of them before. Stories connect people and make you memorable. It also helps you become more interesting too. When someone asks you ‘how was your weekend?’, instead of saying ‘Good’, surprise them with your prepared story!
3. Ask questions and be a good listener
Who controls and leads the conversation? The one who asks questions or the one answers questions? If you answer ‘ask’, then you’re correct; even the one answers speak more. Ask questions that interest you. If you can get someone to share something they never shared with anyone, they will remember you for a long time. The best questions to ask are the ones that encourage the other party to share more, such as ‘tell me more!’, ‘and then..?’ ‘what happened next?’ ‘How did that make you feel?’ Asking questions helps you to learn more about the other person and see what you have in common to build deeper connections.
4. Be a good listener
What do you do after you ask the questions? Listen to the answers. Not just with your ears but with your heart and eyes. Watch their body language, feel the emotions behind the share and your yourself in their shoes and see what you would do. Don’t worry about impressing them by being interesting or worrying about what to reply. ‘You make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you’. (Dale Carnegie)
5. Be yourself
The main reason people lack confidence is worrying too much about what other people think. Please don’t. As an immigrant, I tried hard to ‘fit in’ and be better. However, after meeting so many people and hearing their stories, I realized I could not even ‘fit in if I tried because everyone’s unique. Being confident doesn’t mean you go into a room thinking you are better (that’s arrogant!). Being confident means, you go into a room and don’t need to compare because you embrace diversity. Remember, we are worthy of love and success. We are valued and important. It is not your responsibility to make others like you. It is your responsibility to show the world who you really are, and the right people will come.
6. Feel the fear but do it anyway
This one sounds cliché but true. When I first started my lunch with strangers’ journey, I was terrified, then I became comfortable with it, and now I love it (350+ lunches and counting). When I first started public speaking, I was terrified, became comfortable with it, and now I love it (It is now my career). If we focus on the fear, we are giving it power. Embrace the fear and I promise it will get easier.
7. If necessary, step out, readjust your mindset and come back
Confidence is a state, just like being happy or being angry. Some people are generally happy or angry, but no one is always happy, angry or confident 24/7. Over the last few years, thanks to all the strangers, my confidence grew massively. However, that didn’t make me invincible. There were still moments that I lacked my confidence. I remembered 2 years ago; I attended a conference with 300 professional speakers when I had just started my speaking career. I was the youngest, least experienced person in the room, and I felt inadequate. I was intimidated. I left the room, freshen up myself and walked back into the room 10 minutes later, feeling much better.
Practice makes progress. Stay positive and keep going. Remember, the only approval that truly matters is our self-approval. Always stand up after we fall; in no time, we will become unstoppable.
Kaley Chu is the author of the book ‘100 Lunches with strangers’, a keynote speaker and a confidence coach. She believes ‘One connection can change your life’ and please feel free to invite her to lunch! Find out more at www.kaleychu.com.